news 
Here is a rewritten version of the provided celebrity news in the style of Ross Clark’s column:
VIP Highway Cut Through The Amazon That Reveals Staggering Hypocrisy Of All Those Cop Climate Jamborees
As I write this, it seems like the whole world has gone mad. A VIP highway cut through the Amazon rainforest? What a joke! Meanwhile, our beloved celebrities are busy making news that’s more ridiculous than a climate summit.
First off, Outer Banks heartthrob Chad Turner is going shirtless in a new music video with none other than Taylor Swift’s gal pal Danielle Haim. Talk about a woke disaster! It seems like these two thought they could out-green each other by posing half-naked for the camera. I mean, seriously, how many carbon credits do you need to offset this sort of environmental crime?
Moving on from that trainwreck, Kate Moss has managed to make headlines once again – not because of her iconic supermodel status, but because she had a wardrobe mishap at Zoe Kravitz’s house. Yes, folks, it seems like even the fashion elite can’t get their act together these days. Make-up stains on a chic black jumpsuit? Who knew that was a thing?
I suppose some things never change, and David Hasselhoff still thinks he’s an action hero. His daughter has spoken out about the unbearable pain of her mother’s tragic suicide – a poignant reminder that there’s more to life than just pretending to be the Hoff.
On a different note (thankfully), Kim Kardashian has revealed that her ex-husband Kris Humphries made her return that engagement ring she mostly paid for. Who knew marriage was a game of Monopoly? And Wendy Williams’ niece is accused of kidnapping the star from an assisted living facility after taking her to dinner in NYC – because, you know, that’s not at all illegal.
Liam Neeson is still doing his thing, as we’re told he’s been spotted filming stunts for a new movie in Melbourne. Meanwhile, Lucy Hale has apparently traded in her innocent rom-com days for a torrid affair with bad boy Harry Jowsey, who’s had flings with Francesca Farago and transgender YouTuber Blake Lively – the plot thickens!
As the world burns (or at least, I’m told it will be soon), some things are just too ridiculous to ignore. For instance, how did Angelina Jolie’s brother James Haven get an annulment filing seven months after his wedding? Has he traded in his wife for a new Instagram filter?
And finally, because we can’t escape the madness entirely, Khloe Kardashian recalls her ‘gross’ moment of hiding under the bed while mom Kris was… well, you know. I won’t sully this column with the details.
In related news, Brad Pitt’s private life is apparently as dull as his ex-wife Angelina Jolie – but hey, at least he’s got a new squeeze! Wheel of Fortune’s Vanna White gets her first tattoo at 68 because, why not? And Liev Schreiber has decided to take on the ‘nepo baby’ haters after his child Kai made a fashion runway debut for Valentino. Oh, great, more woke nonsense!
As I close this column out, it’s clear that we’re living in a world where climate hypocrisy knows no bounds – not even at those COP jamborees. Meanwhile, our celebrities are too busy making headlines to care about the impending doom of our planet.
Time for me to take a break from all this madness and re-read my notes on sustainable living…
